Quotes from Dave Attell

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.