Quotes from John Scalzi

The diagnostic said there was nothing wrong with the threep, which may have meant there was something wrong with the diagnostic.

They have vegan cheese. No, they don't. They have shredded orange and white sadness that mocks cheese and everything it stands for.

Stupidity is the unwillingness to appreciate the consequences of your actions.

I've met a lot of people in the diplomatic corps who were in love with the sound of their own voice, but this guy. He and his voice should just get a room.

It's the end of civilization as we know it. And it's going to be great for business.

It's like Wednesday morning at the world's biggest Denny's

We've already established whoever is writing us is an asshole. This sounds like just the sort of thing an asshole writer would do.

Oh, God," I said. "Thank you so very much for the mental image of Dad as a teenage sack of hormones. That's the sort of image that takes therapy to get rid of.

Oh for God's sake how divine can I be? My feet hurt, I have gas and I need to pee.

That as far as I can tell," Jenkins said, "it's not actually a very good show.

I don't think food safety laws are going to protect you from a third carnitas burrito, Hanson said. That's not about food safety. It's about pork fat overload.

I worked in marketing," Rachela I said. "Before I was a prophet. After, too, but we didn't call it that after that point.

We have a problem," he said. "Is this another 'I think we have a potential energy flow' kind of problem?" Coloma asked. "No, this is a 'Holy shit, we're all definitely going to die a horrible death in the cold endless dark of space' kind of problem," Basquez said. "We'll be right down," Coloma said.

I have to tell him that the sheep we're looking for is a woman who runs a pet store," Creek said. "I think telling him his younger brother's been resurrected as a computer program might be a little much for one day."   Archie

Here's a hot tip: If you think calling someone a social justice warrior is an insult, you might be a horrible person.

Never forget to factor in the Oort cloud

The moral of the story was not to wear a red shirt. Or go on away missions when you're the only one whose name isn't on the opening credits.

The answer to that is complicated." "Give me the short version." "The short version is 'Yes, but.' The slightly longer version is 'No, and.' Which version would you like?

First off, to everyone who thinks writing a sequel should be easy because you've already created the universe: Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! Heh. No.

You came to see me about something?" "Yes, ma'am. A lawyer is here." "Toss him out a window." "Her, actually, I think." "So toss her out, then. Equally defenestratable.

This is what happens when the Narrative takes over. Things quit making sense. The laws of physics take a coffee break. People stop thinking logically and start thinking dramatically.

There were more than a few scientists who knew one little thing, and then thought that knowledge was universally applicable to every other problem, to the point of excluding or discounting information from people whose specialty was that other problem.

What is it like when you lose someone you love?" Jane asked. "You die, too," I said. "And you wait around for your body to catch up." "Is that what you're doing now?" Jane said. "Waiting for your body to catch up, I mean." "No, not anymore," I said. "You eventually get to live again. You just live a different life, is all.

Because every time I think of starships skipping across the galaxy, I imagine Albert Einstein in a policeman's uniform, writing up a ticket.