Quotes from Ambrose Bierce

ARMY, n. A class of non-producers who defend the nation by devouring everything likely to tempt an enemy to invade.

TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society.

MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.

But a voting-machine that human ingenuity can not pervert, human ingenuity can not invent. That

OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amuck by hamstringing it.

We must stop chasing dollars, stop lying, stop cheating, stop ignoring art, literature and all the refining agencies and instrumentalities of civilization.

ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer.

ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

We must subdue our detestable habit of shaking hands with prosperous rascals and fawning upon the merely rich.

ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man.

To expect that men who do not honorably and intelligently conduct their private affairs will honorably and intelligently conduct the affairs of the community is to be a fool.

reverent title had previously been forced upon him by the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the work had appeared, with the natural

He did all of this without thinking but with care.

BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.

rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands

Every murder proves that hanging is not altogether deterrent; every hanging, that it is somewhat deterrent—it deters the person hanged.

Preference, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another.

APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.

At about this time something occurred which caused my cup of joy, already full, to overflow on all sides, a circular cataract of bliss.

Some deep disappointment in early life had soured its disposition, and it had declared war upon the whole world.

ABDOMEN, n. [1.] The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world's marketing the race would become graminivorous. [2.] A shrine enclosing the object.