Quotes from Terry Pratchett

and Magrat was sick all night just at the thought of it and had the dire rear.

You have made quite a splash," said Vetinari, smiling, "as the fish said to the man with the lead weight tied to his feet.

Listen, happy endings is fine if they turn out happy," said Granny, glaring at the sky. "But you can't make 'em for other people. Like the only way you could make a happy marriage is by cuttin' their heads off as soon as they say 'I do', yes? You can't make happiness…

How do you spell 'contravention'? said Carrot, turning over a page. I don't, said Nobby, pushing through the crowds.

Magrat liked to think she was good with children, and worried that she wasn't. She didn't like them very much, and worried about this too. Nanny Ogg seemed to be effortlessly good with children by alternately and randomly giving them either a sweet or a thick ear, while Granny Weatherwax ignored them for most of the time and that seemed to work just as well.

People look down on stuff like geography and meteorology, and not only because they're standing on one and being soaked by the other.

If you ask 10 nomes to push four will pull and two will say pardon

smoke twisting amongst the lights and turning the air a desolate blue, the colour of dead hopes and lost chances.

TAKE THESE THINGS, NOW, said Death, fingering a passing canape. I MEAN, MUSHROOMS YES, CHICKEN YES, CREAM YES, I'VE NOTHING AGAINST ANY OF THEM, BUT WHY IN THE NAME OF SANITY MINCE THEM ALL UP AND PUT THEM IN LITTLE PASTRY CASES? "Pardon?" said Mort. THAT'S MORTALS FOR YOU, Death continued. THEY'VE ONLY GOT A FEW YEARS IN THIS WORLD AND THEY SPEND THEM ALL IN MAKING THINGS COMPLICATED FOR THEMSELVES. FASCINATING.

I like hats. They give me something to do with my head.

If that's what bein' bad does to you, Nanny thought, I could of done with some of that years ago. The wages of sin is death but so is the salary of virtue, and at least the evil get to go home early on Fridays.

None of these lads here were out getting fighting drunk last night. And thus we wear down mountains. Water dripping on a stone, dissolving and removing. Changing the shape of the world, one drop at a time. Water dripping on a stone, Commander. Water flowing underground, bubbling up in unexpected places.

a hint was to Esk what a mosquito bite was to the average rhino because she was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.

I wonder what's the difference between ordinary councillors and privy councillors? wondered the merchant aloud. The assassin scowled at him. I think, he said, it is because you're expected to eat shit.

Lord Vetinari, the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, poked at the ink in his inkwell. There was ice in it. Don't you even have a proper fire? said Hughnon Ridcully, High Priest of Blind Io and unofficial spokesman for the city's religious establishment. I mean, I'm not one for stuffy rooms, but it's freezing in here! Brisk, certainly, said Lord Vetinari. It's odd, but the ice isn't as dark as the rest of the ink. What causes that, do you think? Science, probably, said Hughnon vaguely.

An imagination is a terrible thing to bring along.

Witches knew that mysterious omens were around all the time. The world was always very nearly drowning in mysterious omens. You just had to pick the one that was convenient.

In his experience, anything really important never got written down, because by then people were too busy shouting.

I dinna want to disappoint ye, but we's in a cellar right here, and it's full o' tatties.' After a while a voice said: 'So where izzit?' 'Maybe it's got the day off?' 'What's a demon need a day off for?' 'Tae gae an' see its ol' mam an' dad, mebbe?' 'Oh, aye? Demons have mams, do they?

Thus proving that books can teach you much, if only to give you a good name for a devilish, smart goat.

Constable Shoe,' said Constable Shoe, when the door of the bootmaker's factory was opened. 'Homicide.' 'You come 'bout Mister Sonky?' said the troll who'd opened the door. Warm damp air blew out into the street, smelling of incontinent cats and sulphur. 'I meant I'm a zombie,' said Reg Shoe. 'I find that telling people right away saves embarrassing misunderstandings later on. But coincidentally, yes, we've come about the alleged deceased.

This is Lancre we're talkin' about. If we was men, we'd be talking about layin' down our lives for the country. As women, we can talk about laying down.

Haven't you noticed that by running away you end up in more trouble?" "Yes, but, you see, you can run away from that, too," said Rincewind. "That's the beauty of the system. Dead is only for once, but running away is for ever.

That's how it goes, you think you're on top of the world, and suddenly they spring Armageddon on you.