Quotes from Adam Carolla

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'

I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps.

If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.

People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.

There are certain things women are better at than men.

It's something I've always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps.

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money... and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn't very good at it.

I'm a comedian, not a politician.