Quotes from Frank Carson

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.