Quotes from Tim Conway

My parents were very funny - they didn't know it. But they were. They were actually sharing an IQ.

When you're small, you either are funny, or you get beat up a lot.

Harvey never had an original idea or thought in his life. I was out wandering around the country doing charity benefits, mainly, when I asked him to come along.

You can't TV surf without coming across an Andy of Mayberry episode where you've just got to watch Don as Barney. That's why I put Don in several of my movies.

I spend a lot of time thinking of the Hereafter - each time I enter a room I wonder what I'm here after.

If I wouldn't offend my religion or God, why would I want to offend an audience because in effect those people are being watched over by the same person.

I figure you're only here for a matter of moments. Ever since I was a kid watching movies I've always wanted to make people laugh or have some sort of emotional reaction.

As a kid I was short and only weighed 95 pounds. And though I was active in a lot of Sports and got along with most of the guys, I think I used comedy as a defense mechanism. You know making someone laugh is a much better way to solve a problem than by using your fists.

It's hard to be sad when you're laughing, so I enjoy making people happy.

I've never really taken anything very seriously. I enjoy life because I enjoy making other people enjoy it.

Don Knotts was a really big influence, especially on the Steve Allen show. I mean, look at the guy, his entire life is in his face.

He spends so much time in the sand trap you'd think he was in the cast of Baywatcb.

I was dyslexic - was, still am - 'cause I would see words that weren't there. And people just started laughing, and I thought, well, this is a good way to make a living. I'll just go downtown to read and have people laugh, you know?

If only my folks had beaten me, I could have gotten some material about my miserable childhood. But as it is, I've had a great life.

I like to work a lot with wood. I make furniture that falls apart. I also sew.

Actually, we've done 75 of these shows and every one of them has sold out. But then we buy all the tickets.

I've known Harvey for over 40 years and I worked with him on the Burnett show for 11 years. I guess you could say we're about as close as you can get to being a comedy team.

I think there are a lot of things out there that are humorous that people don't realize until you actually show them what is going on. Saran Wrap for one thing. You know, you could pull enough of that out of the box and it will actually kill you. It will get a hold of you, stick to you, and choke you to death.

Nowadays they have 12 directors and 15 producers and 30 writers. And all the writers want their lines said a certain way-which isn't necessarily funny. I mean the lines aren't necessarily so funny to begin with.

People enjoy sitting back knowing they won't hear a lot of four-letter words.

A lot of people like to live on laurels that happened 20 or 30 years ago, but it's nice to get awards. It's nice to be labeled and things like that, but I'm not sure everybody qualifies.

The reason 'The Carol Burnett Show' did so well in the ratings is because people were looking for that comfort zone when the whole family sat around and watched television and enjoyed it.

I resent my barber when he charges the full cost after he cuts my hair, but he says he's charging me for finding it.

The groom is so much better for her than her last boyfriend. He's sophisticated, he brings her flowers and candy, he dines by candlelight. Her last boyfriend thought it was enough to spray her name on a fence.