Quotes from Wendy Liebman

I want to be more myself. Sometimes it takes awhile to find your voice.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

I'm taking an art class, and the nude model just quit. Because I like to finger paint.

I stuff my bra. So if you get to second base with me, you'll find that the bases are loaded.

I just had plastic surgery: They cut up all my credit cards. Except for my Discover card, which nobody takes.

My childhood was kind of a blur, to tell you the truth. I needed better glasses.

I'm standing in line at the bakery, and this really cute guy asked for my number. So I had to get another one.

Younger guys have been approaching me lately. And asking me to buy them alcohol.

My license plate says PMS. Nobody cuts me off.

We were incompatible in a lot of ways. Like for example, I was a night person, and he didn't like me.

I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.

I was dating a control freak. He insisted that he take the birth control pills.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like, "How did my mother know that?"

My brother was adopted. Somebody left him on the back doorstep when he was a baby. We found him when he was 16. We didn't use that door.

I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.

I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian ' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

When I want to make someone laugh in real life (as opposed to when I'm on stage where I tell one-liners), I tend to do prop comedy. For example, if I'm at the supermarket with my husband, I might put 16 bags of marshmallows in our cart when he's not looking, or if I'm trying to make a kid smile, I'll put my glasses on crooked.

My parents used to bring me to Radio City when I was a little girl, so performing there 50 years later was absolutely surreal - especially with my parents in the audience!

In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.

I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

The audience loves when the comedian talks to them. You're creating inside jokes, which creates a community.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.