Quotes from Mark Twain

The truth is, a person's memory has no more sense that his conscience, and no appreciation whatever of values and proportions.

The Church still prizes the Moral Sense as man's noblest asset today, although the Church knows God had a distinctly poor opinion of it and did what he could in his clumsy way to keep his happy Children of the Garden from acquiring it.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

You know my present way of life. Can you suggest any additions to it, in the way of crime, that will reasonably insure my going to some other place.

When its steamboat time you steamboat

if you say the truth you don't have to remember anything

the king he allowed he would drop over to t'other village without any plan, but just trust in Providence to lead him the profitable way - meaning the devil, I reckon.

Rise early. It is the early bird that catches the worm. Don't be fooled by this absurd saw; I once knew a man who tried it. He got up at sunrise and a horse bit him.

One is apt to overestimate beauty when it is rare.

Courts musn't interfere and separate families if they could help it. Said he'd druther not take a child away from its father.

Being in love is like getting back to childhood. You're just happy for no reasons at all.

Well, I know. It's jam—that's what it is. Forty times I've said if you didn't let that jam alone I'd skin you. Hand me that switch.

I sometimes wonder if our world leaders are very smart and just putting us on, or very stupid and mean it.

But old fools is the biggest fools there is.

A man can't get his rights in a govment like this. Sometimes I've a mighty notion to just leave the country for good and all.

The trade of critic, in literature, music, and the drama, is the most degraded of all trades.

It ain't no use to try to learn you nothing, Huck.

As near as I can make out, geniuses think they know it all, and so they won't take people's advice, but always go their own way, which makes everybody forsake them and despise them, and that is perfectly natural. If they was humbler, and listened and tried to learn, it would be better for them.

The Germans are exceedingly fond of Rhine wines; they are put up in tall, slender bottles, and are considered a pleasant beverage. One tells them from vinegar by the label.

In another moment he was flying down the street with his pail and a tingling rear, Tom was whitewashing with vigor, and Aunt Polly was retiring from the field with a slipper in her hand and triumph in her eye.

Profound silence; silence so deep that even their breathings were conspicuous in the hush.

If I never learnt nothing else out of pap, I learnt that the best way to get along with his kind of people is to let them have their own way.

In Sacramento it is fiery summer always, and you can gather roses, and eat strawberries and ice cream, and wear white linen clothes, and pant and perspire, at eight or nine o'clock in the morning, and then take the cars, and at noon put on your furs and your skates, and go skimming over frozen Donner Lake...There is transition for you! Where will you find another like it in the western hemisphere?

A street in Constantinople is a picture which one ought to see once—not oftener.