Quotes from Mark Twain

Now he found out a new thing - namely, that to promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing.

Lovely as he was, Satan could be cruelly offensive when he chose; and he always chose when the human race was brought to his attention. He always turned up his nose at it, and never had a kind word for it.

An honest man in politics shines more there than he would elsewhere. - A Tramp Abroad

Ignorant people think it's the NOISE which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

That was the greatest heart and the simplest that ever beat.

There is no prophecy in our day but history. But history is a trustworthy prophet. History is always repeating itself, because conditions are always repeating themselves. Out of duplicated conditions history always gets a duplicate product.

Cooper requires him to turn out and find a dry twig; and if he can't do it, go and borrow one.

I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be good so that God will not make me one.

So I think it is a reptile, though it may be architecture.

Wir sollten darauf achten, einer Erfahrung nur so viel Weisheit zu entnehmen, wie in ihr steckt - mehr nicht; damit wir nicht der Katze gleichen, die sich auf eine heiße Herdplatte setzte. Sie setzt sich nie wieder auf eine heiße Herdplatte - und das ist richtig; aber sie setzt sich auch nie wieder auf eine kalte.

Well, then, says I, what's the use you learning to do right when it's troublesome to do right and ain't no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same? I was stuck. I couldn't answer that. So I reckoned I wouldn't bother no more about it, but after this always do whichever come handiest at the time.

Damn these human beings! If I had invented them I would go hide my head in a bag.

Oh, hold on; there's plenty of pain here—but it don't kill.  There's plenty of suffering here, but it don't last.  You see, happiness ain't a thing in itself—it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant.  That's all it is.  There ain't a thing you can mention that is happiness in its own self—it's only so by contrast with the other thing.  And

In German, a young lady has no sex, while a turnip has. Think what overwrought reverence that shows for the turnip, and what callous disrespect for the girl. See how it looks in print—I translate this from a conversation in one of the best of the German Sunday-school books: "Gretchen. Wilhelm, where is the turnip? "Wilhelm. She has gone to the kitchen. "Gretchen. Where is the accomplished and beautiful English maiden? "Wilhelm. It has gone to the opera.

But the celebrate was an astonishing disappointment to me. If he had been behind a screen I should have supposed they were performing a surgical operation on him.

If I be not in a state of Grace, I pray God place me in it; if I be in it, I pray God keep me so.

Books are the liberated spirits of men.

Everybody granted that if Tom were white and free it would be unquestionably right to punish him--it would be no loss to anybody; but to shut up a valuable slave for life--that was quite another matter. As soon as the Governor understood the case, he pardoned Tom at once, and the creditors sold him down the river.

gone, you see, yet finding

The billiard table is better than the doctor.

Morals are an acquirement, like music, like a foreign language, like piety, poker, paralysis, no man is born with them.

What gets us into trouble is not what we don't know. It's what we know for sure that just ain't so

teria compreendido então que Trabalho consiste em tudo o que se é obrigado a fazer e que Prazer consiste naquilo que não se é obrigado a fazer.

Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.