Quotes from Adele Faber

You'll never go wrong if you describe what you think the child might be feeling ('You must be so proud of yourself!') or what the child has accomplished ('A lot of practice and perseverance went into winning that medal').

When we acknowledge a child's feelings, we do him a great service. We put him in touch with his inner reality. And once he's clear about that reality, he gathers the strength to begin to cope.

Give information. What we like about giving information is that, in a sense, you're giving the child a gift he can use forever. For the rest of his life he'll need to know that "milk turns sour when it's not refrigerated

The time for empathy is when a child wants you to know how he feels.

Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings. A circuitous route to sibling harmony. And yet, the most direct.

When a person is drowning, it's not the time to give swimming lessons.

To help everyone better understand the difference between giving equally with measured amounts, and giving uniquely, in terms of each child's legitimate needs, I handed out the following illustrations:

1. Start by acknowledging the children's anger towards each other. That alone should help calm them. 2. Listen to each child's side with respect. 3. Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem. 4. Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution. 5. Leave the room.

It's a bittersweet road we parents travel. We start with total commitment to a small, helpless human being. Over the years we worry, plan, comfort, and try to understand. We give our love, our labor, our knowledge, and our experience—so that one day he or she will have the inner strength and confidence to leave

Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings.

Not till the bad feelings come out can the good ones come in.

Living with real children can be humbling. Every morning I would tell myself, "Today is going to be different

One father said that what helped him become more sensitive to his son's emotional needs was when he began to equate the boy's bruised, unhappy feelings with physical bruises.

Describa: (lo que ve o el problema.) 2. Dé información: 3. Dígalo con una palabra: 4. Hable de sus sentimientos: 5. Escriba una nota: Acaba de aplicar cinco habilidades diferentes a la misma situación.

We say "please" to our children to model a socially acceptable way to make a small request. But "please" lends itself best to our more relaxed moments.

There will be times when that will be the obvious and right thing to do. All I want to point out is that if you decide not to give equally, for whatever reason, that's all right too. The children who fail to receive won't go under. Your understanding and acceptance of their disappointment will help them to deal with life's inequities.

The key word is respect—for my child, for myself, and for the unlimited possibilities of what can happen when two people of good will put their heads together.

The group beamed and applauded. It was a lot to absorb. I thought I'd better summarize. "So when it comes to homework," I said, "here are your new strategies." 1. Be on your child's side. Acknowledge his feelings! 2. Problem-solve. Consider everything. 3. Be your child's advocate. Communicate with the teacher when homework gets overwhelming. Don't worry about what other people's kids are doing.

if we want to stop showing favoritism, we first have to be aware that we feel it. We need to be honest enough to admit the truth to ourselves. Knowing our bias immediately puts us in a better position to protect our "less favored children"; and it helps us protect our favored child, as well, from the pressure of having to maintain his position and from the inevitable hostility of his siblings.

Statements like these say to the child, "I don't like what you did, and I expect you to take care of it." We hope that later on in life, as an adult, when he does something he regrets, he'll think to himself, "What can I do to make amends—to set things right again?," rather than "What I just did proves I'm an unworthy person who deserves to be punished.

The attitude behind your words is as important as the words themselves. The attitude that children thrive on is one that communicates, "You're basically a lovable, capable person. Right now there's a problem that needs attention. Once you're aware of it, you'll probably respond responsibly.

The only thing that is necessary is that we take another look at the less favored child, seek out her specialness, then reflect the wonder of it back to her.

It's important for these youngsters to realize that if they're genuinely sorry their feelings of remorse should be translated into action. The "repeat offender" can be told any of the following: "Sorry means behaving differently." "Sorry means making changes." "I'm glad to hear you're sorry. That's the first step. The second step is to ask yourself what can be done about it.

To learn a new language is not easy. For one thing, you will always speak with an accent. . . . But for your children it will be their native tongue!