Quotes from Conan O'Brien

Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.

Rick Perry said America's revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, 'I never said I was a geology major.'

CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'

Let's just agree any group of 3 or more handsome British men should be referred to as a 'cumberbatch.'

According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.

Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, 'I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one.'

Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.

In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have.

I always knew that it was going to be an uphill climb to replace Letterman from complete obscurity with no experience, but I think I had to go through it to know exactly what a titanic effort that was going to be.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

I like being tested. I get as scared as anyone. But the feeling of putting yourself on the line, betting on your talent and having it work; that's the most exhilarating feeling in the world.

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

Don't be cynical; it leads nowhere. If you work hard, and are kind, amazing things will happen to you.

It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened.

North Korea conducted a nuclear test and the blast was so small that many scientists are saying it was a dud. Apparently, the nuclear bomb didn't work well because it was made in Korea.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un reportedly has had 15 of his top officials executed. So the lesson here is when Kim Jong Un comes to work with a new haircut, you tell him, 'Looking good, Un.'

A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they're not hiring liberal arts majors.

Scientists have found a way to keep middle-aged female mice from going through menopause. Now they're working on a way to keep middle-aged male mice from buying expensive sports cars.

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

People always ask me: "Why?! Oh God why?!" Mostly at the beach.

Scientists have located the gene that causes alcoholism. They found it at a party talking too loudly.

Are you excited about the opening of the baseball season? Ah, the leather, the pine tar, the rosin–and that's just the hot dogs.

This is exciting. A woman recently had a baby from an embryo that had been frozen for seven years. She said, "I had no idea if I was having a little boy, a little girl–or fish sticks."

This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.