Quotes from Conan O'Brien

Applaud my idiocy.

I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.

There is nothing more liberating than having your worst fear realized.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, "Jesus! This cup is expensive!

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.

Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation.

Disappointment leads to clarity, which leads to conviction and true originality.

If I existed 200 years ago, all the other farmers in my community would be like, 'That guy is worthless! He's sitting on a rock, jumping up like a frog, coming up with weird concepts and ideas, making faces, and combing his hair into a giant pastry.' It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.

It's a mistake to read. Television is the only way.

Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism – it's my least favorite quality, and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.

Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.

I've always believed, in my heart of hearts, that it would be a better show if, when I crossed over to the desk, the band kept playing for an hour and I danced in a cage.

It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.

If you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst to profound reinvention.

Eventually, all our graves go unattended.

When all else fails there's always delusion.

All I ask of you is one thing: please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism — it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard, and you're kind, amazing things will happen.

You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein Because he hates America he loves mistresses and he wears a beret. He is French people.

There are few things more liberating in life than having your worst fear realized.

Nobody in life gets exactly what they though they were going to get. But if you work really hard and are kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you: Amazing things will happen.

Thirty-five things have to go wrong for the best thing to happen in your career

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen

Just programmed my Alexa to order a pizza if I shout incoherently for more than 10 seconds

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?