Quotes from Patton Oswalt

I'm not familiar with the metric system.

There's nothing wrong with doing comedies, and I'm not against comedies, either, but I always want to do stuff that keeps me off my guard and gets me out of my comfort zone.

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

If Kevin James or Paul Giamatti drop weight, I'm done. I don't want to be the last pudge out there.

I'm so beyond genre, drama, comedies, I just want to do really good, interesting projects.

This sounds like a brag, but I know how to make good fried rice. I learned in college. There are two secrets - take the rice after you cook it and let it get cold in the fridge. Then cook the egg like you're making a fried egg and just before it's done, dump the rice and veg on it and swirl it around.

One of my groupies gave me a film that they made, and it ended up being amazing, so I got it shown at South by Southwest. If I can help get their stuff out there, then great.

I don't want to get into extended conversations with people on MySpace, because there are friends I have extended conversations with every day.

I have some shorter stories coming out in other books early next year. I might be pitching a re-vamp of Ghost Rider in the spring. We'll see.

As you get older as a comedian and keep doing it, what you actually start to cherish on stage is not the build-up to the jokes, but how comfortable you can be in the silence and the non-laughing parts, and how long you can take the audience without a laugh to then get a huge reaction.

I mean, all alternative comedy is are comedians that have being doing it for so long, for so long, that they were relaxed enough to start becoming personal on stage.

I know how my body operates differently from what it did when it was 30 and when it was 20. As unhealthy as I am, I'm weirdly aware of exactly how my body functions.

As unhealthy as I am, I'm weirdly aware of exactly how my body functions.

Lot of ugly funny dudes end up with some pretty gorgeous women. Women are much deeper than us in choosing a mate - they see in the long term.

I haven't sworn off Facebook. I'm on Facebook. There's a fan page on Facebook that I will update, but I'm on there myself under a pseudonym, because there were a lot of people able to private-message me on Facebook, and it was getting really weird.

Growing up, there are always those kids who are only happy when they are making someone else upset. That is unfortunately just how some people are. And their parents were fine. Some people are just born with bad wiring.

Any acting job that I ever got, I always treated it like I was a neophyte, I didn't know what I was doing and I was going to work just as hard as I do on my stand-up.

I can't say that I ever abided nerd stereotypes: I was never alone or felt outcast.

I'm always trying out new stuff onstage. That's where I do all my writing.

Does anyone act more like an overserious senior citizen with time running out on their chance for immortality than someone in their twenties?

With acting, you see some of the kids are literally just off the street, untrained, and they are great. And others are off the street, untrained, and kind of horrible.

I'm going to continue to try to strike a balance, because I really, really do love doing stand-up, and I don't see why it should affect the acting.

I never said that movies were struggling behind TV. I'm just saying that movies have a better creative cache.

Every audience is different, even within the same venue. You have to just make every audience your audience; you can't pre-judge an audience based on the size of the room or the type of room.