Quotes from Leo Rosten

Mr. Samuel Goldwyn once remarked, during a dinner table argument about psychiatry: "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

FOLK SAYING: "Better to be in Gehenna with a wise man than in Gan Eden [Paradise] with a fool.

A Bulgarian proverb goes: "When you baptize a Jew, hold him underwater for five minutes.

in converting Jews to Christians you raise the price of pork. —The Merchant of Venice, act III, scene

Tis said that Hitler, disturbed by nightmares, called in a soothsayer. The seer consulted a crystal ball and said, "Ah, mighty Führer, it is foretold that you will die on a Jewish holiday." "Which one?" said Hitler with a scowl. "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday." Simchas

There is no truth in the observation that after Robert Briscoe, a Jew, was elected Lord Mayor of Dublin, the Irish began to see leprecohens.

All of Judaism's philosophy, ethics, ethos, learning, education, and hierarchy of values are saturated with a sense of, and heightened sensitivity to, rakhmones. God is often called the God of Mercy and Compassion: Adonai El Rakhum Ve-Khanum. The writings of the prophets are permeated with appeals for rakhmones, a divine attribute. (So, too, are the words of Jesus and the books of the New Testament.)

The twelfth-century poet Abraham ibn Ezra, whom you encountered in high school as Browning's Rabbi ben Ezra (may his tribe increase), limpidly described the shlimazl's lot when he wrote: If I sold lamps, The sun, In spite, Would shine at night.

PROVERB: "A wise man, looking for a bride, should take an ignoramus along to advise him.

There is a saying, "A patsh fargeyt, a vort bashteyt"—"A slap passes, but a word [that is, an insult] remains.

Long, long before Freud, the Jews had this saying: "When a son gets married, he divorces his mother.

Mr. Abraham, driven to desperation by the endless delays of the tailor who was making him a pair of trousers, finally cried, "Tailor, in the name of Heaven, it has already taken you six weeks!" "So?" "So, you ask? Six weeks for a pair of pants? Reboyne Shel Oylem! It took God only six days to create the universe!" "Nu," shrugged the tailor, "look at it….

The play The Kibitzer, by Jo Swerling (1929), made both the title and its star, Edward G. Robinson, famous overnight. The sign on the door read: DR. JOSEPH KIPNIS PSYCHIATRIST DR. ELI LOWITZ PROCTOLOGIST Under this, a kibitzer had written: "Specialists in Odds and Ends.

FOLK SAYING: "Poverty is no disgrace—which is the only good thing you can say about it.

The sages taught the Jews not to rejoice over another's misfortune. "Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth" (Proverbs 24:17). (I must confess that I have always enjoyed gloating over the comeuppance suffered by the detestable, regardless of race, color, or creed.)

A story in the Talmud relates that after the Israelites had safely crossed the Red Sea,* they sang a song of praise to God, but when the angels sought to join the triumphant paean, God thundered: "You shall not sing while my other children [the Egyptians] are drowning.

The rabbi gets the fees, but it's the moyl who gets all the tips.

It is not that which is beautiful that pleases us, but that which pleases is is called beautiful.

Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.

The first printed mention of bagels... is to be found in the Community Regulations of Kracow, Poland, for the year 1610 which stated that bagels would be given as a gift to any woman in childbirth.

Some things are so unexpected that no one is prepared for them.

I will never give in to old age until I become old. And I'm not old yet!