Quotes from John Hodgman

Money cannot buy happiness, but it buys the conditions for happiness: time, occasional freedom from constant worry, a moment of breath to plan for the future, and the ability to be generous.

I have a lot of cultural references that have amassed in my brain like shrapnel over the years that are meaningful to me.

Most people presume my mustache is not real because it's much darker than my regular hair.

Any time you try to create an Internet meme, automatic fail. That's like the worst thing you can do.

I had the pleasure of listening to Rickie Lee Jones' Flying Cowboys album on audio cassette, which had just come out at that time because I am an elderly man.

I am not an Internet superstar. I am, ironically perhaps, the most old media superstar of all time. My fame is due to broadcast television.

What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum! That's an amusing relic of our past.

Creating fake facts does require a measure of haphazard research, insofar as they need to not just be possible, but also interesting.

It would be rather naive to imagine that Oprah doesn't have an Earth Evacuation Plan. You know Richard Branson does - his is in plain sight.

When you think about it, the end of the world is a little bit like death: We all know it's going to come eventually, and as we get older, we feel we see the signs more and more distinctly.

There's a tradition in American fiction that is deadly serious and earnest - like the Steinbeckian social novel.

Part of the transaction between writer and reader is the pleasure of building a community and encouraging people to play along.

I am someone who values truth - actual truth as opposed to 'truthiness.'

I think for the foreseeable future, the truth is going to be awful and funny all at the same time.

I suspect that when the truth ceases to be heartbreakingly funny, we will be in a better place and a happier society over all.

One can always come up with funny lists and jokes. You know what? I take it back. Not everyone can always come up with funny lists and some jokes. I'm very lucky to have a gift where I can do that pretty ably.

In the '80s and '90s, I was really interested in, moved by, exhilarated by, and troubled by rap in all the ways a white person from Brookline, Massachusetts should be. That was music that was making trouble, and it was interesting and provocative trouble.

I know electric knives are excellent for carving turkeys that have had their bones removed and been forced into a mold to shape them. Please note that those turkeys are called hams.

More people have more access to more readers for less money than ever before in history. It means a lot of dross; but it means a lot of very talented people can find and nurture a readership in ways that were not possible twenty years ago. From a creative perspective, that is all that writing is about.

When a good friend gives you his or her book, you don't want to read it, because you're afraid that it's not going be what you hope it can be.

A lot of media that that I want to consume, I don't want to have to own forever and ever. It's not like real estate.

My candidacy is a compelling argument for my candidacy. I want to be President.

My type of humor is me not caring whether people know what I'm talking about or not.

Americans don't need a metaphor for war. We have war. If anything, we use war as a metaphor for sports.