Quotes from Tom Lehrer

My last public performance for money was in 1967. For free, it was 1972, with the exception of two little one-shot, one-song things. But that's just for friends, out of friendship for the people involved, and also because it was fun.

For there is surely nothing more beautiful in this world than the sight of a lone man facing single-handedly a half a ton of angry pot roast!

Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

They love us everywhere we go. So when in doubt, send the Marines.

The Lord's our shepherd, says the psalm. But just in case, we better get a bomb.

Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.

Be it ever so decadent, there's no place like home.

Be prepared, and be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.

Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

Once all the Germans were warlike and mean But that couldn't happen again We taught them a lesson in nineteen eighteen And they've hardly bothered us since then

An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent.

Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics/ And the Catholics hate the Protestants/ And the Hindus hate the Muslims/ And everybody hates the Jews.

But in the new (math) approach, the important thing is to understand what you're doing, rather than to get the right answer.

On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.

Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down ? That's not my department.

Some of you may have met mathematicians and wondered how they got that way.

Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize.

When you're in a public profession like I was, and you stop doing it like I did, people think you're either crazy or dead.

I wasn't really a performer by temperament.

I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand.

In one word he told me the secret of success in mathematics: plagiarize; only be sure always to call it . . . research.

The Army has carried the American ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.

I always prided myself on at least trying to be literate and use the right words, and if the audience didn't get it, then they could go home and look it up.

Irreverence is easy - what's hard is wit.