Quotes from Elayne Boosler

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Boyfriend. This is such a weird word. There's no good word about someone if you're not married. Even calling a guy you live with your boyfriend makes you sound eleven years old. Old man? If you're not living with Willie Nelson, that one doesn't work, either.

My mother used to say, "You can eat off my floor." You can eat off my floor, too. There are thousands of things there.

I got a computer. I wrote an apology note to my VCR for ever thinking it was difficult. You find someone in this country who can print out an envelope. Maybe the fifth envelope, but you have to kill four to get to the fifth one.

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's in water. But certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start shaving my legs above the knee again."

There's no leeway for a woman's looks. You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot.

The people who invented nonalcoholic beer are working on liver without vitamins.

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'

I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS from giving money to television preachers?

I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

Only a weak mind seeks ultimate answers.

Horse racing is waning in popularity.