Quotes from Elayne Boosler

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.

Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.

While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips.

I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in their stuff after that, that's great - as long as they just have a chance to step back and look at it for a second. Sometimes, you don't even realize what you've been thinking for 20 years.

I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers.

I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'

Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.

Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over.

You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.

I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.

Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.

I think when you take off that jacket and they see that 'I LOVE GRANDMA' T-shirt, they're going to rip your heart out.

Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.

I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy.

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.