Quotes from Helen Fielding

it's a bit like if we were on a planet where all the space creatures were short, green and fat. Except a very few of them were tall, thin and yellow. And all the advertising was of the tall, yellow ones, airbrushed to make them even taller and yellower. So all the little green space creatures spent their whole time feeling sad because they weren't tall, thin and yellow.

Am going to cook shepherd's pie for them all - British home cooking.

So,' bellowed Cosmo, pouring me a drink. 'How's your love-life?' Oh no. Why do they do this? Why? Maybe the Smug Marrieds only mix with other Smug Marrieds and don't know how to relate to individuals any more. Maybe they really do want to patronize us and make us feel like failed human beings. Or maybe they are in such a sexual rut they're thinking, 'There's a whole other world out there,' and hoping for vicarious thrills by getting us to tell them the roller-coaster details of our sex lives.

Why are bodies so difficult to manage? Why? 'Oh, oh, look at me, I'm a body, I'm going to splurge fat unless you, like, STARVE yourself and go to undignified TORTURE CENTRES and don't eat anything nice or get drunk.' Hate diet.

Maybe will go to yoga and become more flexible. Or maybe will go out with friends and get plastered.

10.35 p.m. Just pressssd d SEND. Issfineisn' tit. DO NOT TEXT WHEN DRUNK

Wise people will say Daniel should like me just as I am, but I am a child of Cosmopolitan culture, have been traumatized by supermodels and too many quizzes and know that neither my personality nor my body is up to it if left to its own devices. I can't take the pressure. I am going to cancel and spend the evening eating doughnuts in a cardigan with egg on it.

it's extremely hard work looking after a toddler and a baby all day, and it doesn't stop. When Jeremy comes home at the end of the day he wants to put his feet up and be nurtured

Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if left to revert to nature—with

A woman has her needs. What good is a mother to her poor children if she's suffering from low self-esteem and sexual frustration? If you don't get laid soon, you will literally close up. More importantly, you will shrivel. And you will become bitter.

Rules for Living by Olivia Joules 14) Sometimes you just have to go with the flow. and then the new one from Elsie, added at the bottom: 15) Don't regret anything. Remember there wasn't anything else that could have happened, given who you were and the state of the world at that moment. The only thing you can change is the present, so learn from the past.

Era como una de esas comidas de negocios en las que todo el mundo habla durante tanto tiempo de cosas que nada tienen que ver con el tema, que al final resulta demasiado embarazoso destruir la magia de una ocasión tan deliciosa y puramente social, con lo que uno nunca llega realmente al quid de la cuestión.

Odio el comportamiento pasivo-agresivo del teléfono en el mundo moderno de las citas, utilizando la no comunicación como forma de comunicación. Es terrible, terrible: una llamada o la ausencia de ésta marca la diferencia entre el amor y la amistad, o entre la felicidad y ser dejada a tu suerte en la despiadada guerra de trincheras de las citas, exactamente en la misma situación que antes pero sintiéndote incluso más jodida que la última vez.

Es extraño que, cuando la gente en general muestra menos y menos buena voluntad para esperar por cualquier cosa, estén preparados para esperar por esta única cosa: como si en el cruel mundo moderno fuese lo único en lo que uno puede verdaderamente creer y apoyarse...

En realidad, estoy completamente a favor de la resignación. Puedes convencerte a ti mismo de cualquier guión que elijas y eso te tiene como unas pascuas;...

Get out. You've had the warning sign, he votes Tory. Now get out before you get too involved.

Clearly in textbook terms, the gentleman should text the lady first after intercourse, but perhaps the whole socio-etiquettical system breaks down when an insect plague is involved.

The trouble with trying to go out with people when you get older is that everything becomes so loaded.

Wise people will say Daniel should like me just as I am, but I am a child of Cosmopolitan culture, have been traumatized by supermodels and too many quizzes and know that neither my personality nor my body is up to it if left to its own devices. I can't take the pressure.

Do you know one of the things I love most about you, Bridget?' 'What?' I said excitedly, thinking I was about yo be praised: for being intelligent or pretty. 'That in all the time I've known you I've never once been bored by you.

It was technological and black and thin and therefore Evil, but... it was also a book.

The point is you are supposed to vote for the principle of the thing, not the itsy-bitsy detail about this percent and that percent.

I realized that I have spent so many years being on a diet that the idea that you might actually need calories to survive has been completely wiped out of my consciousness. Have reached point where believe nutritional ideal is to eat nothing at all and that the only reason people eat is because they are so greedy they cannot stop themselves from breaking out and ruining their diets.

It seems wrong and unfair that Christmas, with its stressful and unmanageable financial and emotional challenges, should first be forced upon one wholly against one's will, then rudely snatched away just when one is starting to get into it.