Quotes from Artie Lange

You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?'

My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life?

As a child, as far as I was concerned, my dad had an amazing job, and we had all the money we needed. My life was so fun and carefree that I didn't realize at all that we weren't rich - until I met someone rich. Still, I've never met a rich kid who grew up as happy as I did.

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me!

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine. Like, if Jerry Seinfeld wasn't funny, you'd want to punch him in the face; he'd just seem like a whiner to you. But the fact is that he's funny.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

When I encountered rich people for the first time, I discovered that not only do they holiday in places that are hard to find on a map, but that they also use the names of seasons as verbs. When they asked me, 'Where did you summer and winter growing up?' I would usually say, 'As a child? The same place I springed and autumned.'

It's weird because standup can be like therapy. Comedians can't be satisfied with just having fun with our friends. We've got to figure out a way to do it on stage.