Quotes from Tim Vine

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.