Quotes from Tim Vine

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.