Quotes from Jimmy Carr

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, but in a properly big and important way. My perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.