Quotes from Jimmy Carr

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.

More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

I don't see myself as offending people.

I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.

Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'