Quotes from David Sedaris

So which do you like better,State or Carolina? She was referring to the athletic rivalry between the Triangle area's two largest universities...Definitely State. State all the way.

In his work shirt and underpants, he looked powerful but also cartoonish, like a bear dressed up for a job interview.

Every day spent with you is like having a cesarean section.

That's the problem with wishes, they ensnare you. In fairy tales they're nothing but trouble, magnifying the greed and vanity of the person for whom they are granted.

For to witness majesty, to find yourself literally touched by it - isn't that what we've all been waiting for?

When it's my turn, I'll open my mouth, unable to speak, and feel a little tap on my wrist. Time to stand up, my watch will whisper. Then, before killing myself, I'll say one last time, "I am standing up.

Occasionally I'd tune in to a music station, but I always preferred the sound of people talking, even if the subject was something I didn't care about

The guy in the T-shirt that pictures a semiautomatic rifle above the message COME AND TAKE IT, the one in fatigues buying two twelve-packs of beer and a tub of rice pudding, didn't necessarily vote Republican. He could have just stayed home on Election Day and force-fed the women he holds captive in the crawl space beneath his living room.

Exceptions were made for Friday episodes of One Life to Live, and, occasionally, for Oprah, who was one of the few black people Helen had any regard for. Perhaps in the past she had been more open-minded, but getting mugged in the foyer of our building convinced her that they were all crooks and sex maniacs. "Even the light-skinned ones.

It's from Scandinavia! This, we learned, was the name of a region, a cold and forsaken place where people stayed indoors and plotted the death of knobs.

The third guest, a poet, had recently published a memoir about her cancer and the many operations performed in an effort to reconstruct her jaw.

what fantasies are for: they allow you to skip the degradation and head straight to the top.

but things change once you've been together for 10 years. They rarely make movies about long-term couples and for good reason. Our lives are boring.

I had that in my mouth ten minutes ago and now it's a private part?

I see his presidential bid as just another commercial for himself. It wouldn't surprise me if he were to name the Hamburglar as his running mate.

When it comes time to decide who gets the bottom bunk, I think anyone would agree that there's a lot to be said for doing things the hard way.

if you think too hard about anything it's bound to take the fun out of it.

You know how mice are—anything for a little affection.

I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

You're trying to convince me?" Amy asked. "The one who has a second apartment two blocks from her first apartment just so she can get away from her rabbit for a couple of hours a day?

Be ye mad, woman?

I'm sad to be finishing school. I liked being in college. It was respectable to be a student. You get discount admissions all over town, and it makes you work.

How does someone undress you with his eyes when you're already undressed?" I asked. "By that point what's he looking at, your soul?

The younger an ingredient, the more highly it was valued, thus the baby chicken, the baby spinach, the newborn asparagus, each pale stalk as slender as a fang.