Quotes from David Sedaris

Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.

I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.

I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3 1996 ' I'll say to someone.

I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended.

After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.

I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.

When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.

What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.

If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?

I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings

If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.

He took a sip of my father's weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit's like making love in a canoe." "Excuse me?" "It's fucking near water.

If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.

Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might can fuck him up some times, but, bitch, nobody kills the motherfucking Rooster. You know what I'm saying?

Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to engage in physical combat. Once, he hit me on the back of the head with a broken wineglass, and I fell to the floor pretending to be unconscious. That was romantic, or would have been had he rushed to my side rather than stepping over my body to fetch the dustpan.

Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!

Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires. Hot as shit. Windy as shit. I myself was confounded as shit...