Quotes from David Sedaris

No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try.

Comfort has its place, but it seems rude to visit another country dressed as if you've come to mow its lawns.

I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like.

When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.

It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?'

This was the consequence of seeing too much and understanding the horrible truth: No one is safe. The world is not manageable.

Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril.

All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.

It's hard to love a place that's outlawed smoking but finds it perfectly acceptable to serve raw fish in a bath of chocolate.

I sometimes read books on my iPad.

My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her.

Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth.

I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter.

If finding an apartment is like falling in love, buying one is like proposing on your first date and agreeing not to see each other until the wedding.

I've been keeping diaries for 27 years.

My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're shaped more like states, wide boring ones that nobody wants to drive through.

I had to wrestle daily with both my inadequacy and my uncontrollable jealousy. I didn't want to kill her, but hoped someone else might do the job for me.

A lot of people don't know what they want, you know, or they're just kind of vague about it.

Sometimes people say, do you want a drink? And I say, oh, I'd like to, but I'm a tragic alcoholic. I always say tragic. I'm a tragic alcoholic.

I don't really do very well when I'm sent somewhere. A lot of magazines want to send you somewhere to do something. They want you to stow away on a ship, or something like that.

If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve.

I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners.

I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking.