Quotes from David Sedaris

Like many good biography subjects, she became a mess toward the end of her life.

Here was a person for whom the word pen had two syllables. Her people undoubtedly drank from clay jugs and hollered for Paw when the vittles were ready—so who was she to advise me on anything?

The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is based upon fear rather than loathing. No credit is given for distinguishing between these two very different emotions. I fear snakes. I hate computers. My hatred is entrenched, and I nourish it daily. I'm comfortable with it, and no community outreach program will change my mind.

Yes, I am talking about boat trailers, but also I am dying.

In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, "Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl.

While each of us thought, separately, Amy brought up Fran Lebowitz. Someone asked her what her favorite animal is and she answered, 'Steak.' Isn't that perfect?

It occurred to me then that my mother was a better actor than I ever hoped to be. Acting is different that posing or pretending. When done with precision, it bears a striking resemblance to lying. Stripped of the costumes and grand gestures, it presents itself as as an unquestionable truth.

Though there's an industry built on telling you otherwise, there are few real joys to middle age. The only perk I can see is that, with luck, you'll acquire a guest room. Some people get one by default when their kids leave home, and others, like me, eventually trade up and land a bigger house.

It had nothing to do with changing people—forget that, on a good day you're lucky if you can talk someone into changing their socks.

For you, anything." And as I did as I was instructed, I realized it was no different than playing a wind instrument. There were other musicians behind other curtains, and I swore I could hear them chiming in, the group of us forming God's own horn section. I'm not sure how long I lay there, blissed-out and farting.

If something is written in your native language and it's taking you half a year to get through it, unless you're being paid by the hour to read it, I'd say there's a problem.

Later that evening, I found the sisters stretched out like cats in front of the woodstove. "It used to be that whenever I passed a mirror, I'd look at my face," Gretchen said, blowing out a mouthful of cigarette smoke. "Now I just check to see if my nipples line up.

Yeah, and piss is just like honey if you're hungry enough.

He also made a 1-2-3-4 cake, which calls for one cup of butter, two cups of sugar, three cups of flour, and four eggs. I ate half of it, which amounts to one entire stick of butter.

I said to him, I said, 'And another thing, dick stain, after this baby is born, I'm gonna take one look at its shit-covered face and if it looks anything like you, I'll have the doctor saw its fucking head off and use it for bait. I swear to God I will

but that's what fantasies are for: they allow you to skip the degradation and head straight to the top.

I was traveling myself when I got my Fitbit, and because the tingle feels so good, not just as a sensation but also as a mark of accomplishment, I began pacing the airport rather than doing what I normally do, which is sit in the waiting area, wondering which of the many people around me will die first, and of what.

Also it's so cold here, too cold to do anything but sit in front of the space heater. Right now I'm wearing long underwear, a flannel shirt, a pajama shirt, a sweater, a jacket, a coat, and a hat. Inside.

Even sober, she'd rail against that: all the junk my father dragged home and left in the yard or the basement—old newspapers and magazines, toaster ovens picked out of the trash, hoses, sheets of plywood—all of it "perfectly good," all of it just what he needed.

He led me to the barn, where a Mexican man stood waiting for his turn at the shower. "Whole-aah, Toe-moss," he shouted.

To this day, I prefer to believe that inside every television there lives a community of versatile, thumb-size actors trained to portray everything from a thoughtful newscaster to the wife of a millionaire stranded on a desert island. Fickle gnomes control the weather, and an air conditioner is powered by a team of squirrels, their cheeks packed with ice cubes.

Do you have a feel for the guitar? Do you have any idea what this little baby is capable of?" Without waiting for an answer, he climbed up into his chair and began playing "Light My Fire," adding, "This one is for Joan.

Man ordering at Butera's deli/prepared-foods counter: "Hey, give me one of them chickens what spins around.

Nothing feels better than being singled out by something that at best should fear you and at worst would like to eat you.