Quotes from Joseph Heller

I've adjusted to this, that my books are not going to get unanimously good reviews.

Where were you born? On a battlefield, [Yossarian] answered. No, no. In what state were you born? In a state of innocence.

What do you do when it rains? The captain answered frankly. I get wet.

mankind is resilient: the atrocities that horrified us a week ago become acceptable tomorrow.

You have deep-seated survival anxieties. And you don't like bigots, bullies, snobs or hypocrites. Subconsciously there are many people you hate. Consciously, sir, consciously, Yossarian corrected in an effort to help. I hate them consciously.

Morale was deteriorating and it was all Yossarian's fault. The country was in peril; he was jeopardizing his traditional rights of freedom and independence by daring to exercise them.

He was never without misery, and never without hope.

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

There was no telling what people might find out once they felt free to ask whatever questions they wanted to.

Prostitution gives her an opportunity to meet people. It provides fresh air and wholesome exercise, and it keeps her out of trouble.

Surely there can't be so many countries worth dying for.' Anything worth living for,' said Nately, 'is worth dying for.' And anything worth dying for,' answered the sacrilegious old man, 'is certainly worth living for.

Catch-22 did not exist, he was positive of that, but it made no difference. What did matter was that everyone thought it existed, and that was much worse, for there was no object or text to ridicule or refute, to accuse, criticize, attack, amend, hate, revile, spit at, rip to shreds, trample upon or burn up.

You have no respect for excessive authority or obsolete traditions. You're dangerous and depraved, and you ought to be taken outside and shot!

Let's take a drive into the middle of nowhere with a packet of Marlboro lights and talk about our lives.

What would they do to me, he asked in confidential tones, if I refused to fly them? We'd probably shoot you, ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen replied. We? Yossarian cried in surprise. What do you mean, we? Since when are you on their side? If you're going to be shot, whose side do you expect me to be on? ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen retorted

Major Major had been born too late and too mediocre. Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was.

To Yossarian, the idea of pennants as prizes was absurd. No money went with them, no class privileges. Like Olympic medals and tennis trophies, all they signified was that the owner had done something of no benefit to anyone more capably than everyone else.

Men, he began his address to the officers, measuring his pauses carefully. You're American officers. The officers of no other army in the world can make that statement. Think about it.

I'm not running away from my responsibilities. I'm running to them. There's nothing negative about running away to save my life.

History did not demand Yossarian's premature demise, justice could be satisfied without it, progress did not hinge upon it, victory did not depend on it. That men would die was a matter of necessity; WHICH men would die, though, was a matter of circumstance, and Yossarian was willing to be the victim of anything but circumstance. But that was war. Just about all he could find in its favor was that it paid well and liberated children from the pernicious influence of their parents.

She was the epitome of stately sorrow each time she smiled.

Clevinger had a mind, and Lieutenant Scheisskoph had noticed that people with minds tended to get pretty smart at times.

When I grow up I want to be a little boy.

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity trust upon them.