Quotes from Michelle Wolf

I was a kinesiology major in college, which is exercise science. Then, I was either going to get my Ph.D. or go to medical school, but I was kind of burned out after school.

As a woman, I have access to hit women in a way that men might not be able to hit them with jokes. I don't mean physically hit. But you know, because I'm a woman, I can say things about women because I know what it's like to be a woman, if that makes any sense.

Before comedy, I worked at a tech company, and before that, I worked on Wall Street. And, honestly, I've never really been sexually harassed.

I was an athlete in college, and Wall Street likes athletes because they're very competitive people that are willing to do anything to win. So I got a job at Bear Stearns in the summer of 2007.

I've watched 'The Daily Show' forever. So being a part of it is surreal.

Watching Rachel Maddow is like going to Target. You went in for milk, but you left with shampoo, candles, and the entire history of the Byzantine Empire. 'I didn't need this.'

We cannot forget about Rachel Maddow. She is the Peter Pan of MSNBC. But instead of never growing up, she never gets to the point.

I would love to be a dad. There are plenty of comedians who have kids. But they're dads. Being a dad is so different from being a mom.

Before stand-up, I'm not sure I even had a point of view.

I always think about my jokes as like I'm driving down a street, trying to go into all the culs-de-sacs along the way. I'm just taking a thoughtful, weird journey.

I got a third-degree ankle sprain practicing long jump. I never fully recovered. That was my first heartbreak. I thought track was going to be something that was going to happen in my life. It never went in the direction I wanted it to, no matter how hard I tried.

The more confident I am, the more daring I am.

There's something about us as stand-ups that when we're on our feet, we feel more in control of the situation and in control of our bodies and our delivery.

I am a feminist.

Honestly, I never really thought I'd be a comedian. But I did take an aptitude test in seventh grade - and this is 100 percent true - I took an aptitude test in seventh grade, and it said in my best profession was a clown or a mime.

Twitter is a good medium to lean how to write jokes. It pushes you to write a better joke in that, on Twitter, the first joke about something has already happened. You need to think of the second joke and the third joke.

Comedy, in my opinion, is best when it's in the gray, and you're kind of pushing people's thoughts that they sort of had but never vocalized. And I think a joke is not good if someone says something, and immediately people are clapping because they're like, 'Yes! That is how I feel as well!'

You don't get to choose your voice! I was never like, 'Oh, I'll take the voice that causes dogs to gather outside.'

I straighten my hair very few times throughout the year, and it's only in the cold winter months because it's the only time my hair will stay straight. If there is, like, a tiny bit of humidity in the air, it's curly again.

Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, 'Mmm.'

You know how I know I'm white? I can cry myself out of a parking ticket.

People can be successful for a short period of time, but only a handful of people are successful for decades.

Writing for late night is really good for learning how to write when you don't want to write. You have to produce every day. It's also very good for refining the difference between your point of view and the host's.

I took an improv class, and after my first class, I was like, 'Oh, I just want to do something like this. This is super fun.'