Quotes from Michelle Wolf

It's important for people to, instead of automatically assuming everything the opposite side says is incorrect, you have to at least listen and see why someone might feel a certain way.

For eight years, all I cared about was track.

Taking a night off from comedy to go on a date with someone I'm probably not going to like anyway sounds like the worst trade-off in my mind.

Republicans are easy to make fun of.

I've been lucky enough to do a lot of very interesting things, and every time, I've been like, 'I want to put everything into this because I want to see how far I can go with it.'

I always almost miss my flight. My routine is to constantly, no matter how bad or good the traffic is, to almost miss my flight.

The thing that's frustrating about improv is that even if you have the best show in the world, it's over when it's over. You get to build stand-up - I really like that aspect of it. I like writing jokes, and you don't get to do that in improv.

Writing and telling jokes is my favorite thing to do, and I want to be able to do that forever.

I did so many open mics. I would write jokes on Twitter constantly, and then slowly, over time, open mics turned into shows. If you can get a joke to work at an open mic, it's a good joke.

Very early on, I met this one comic who said if you're not doing stand-up every night, you're not doing it. And so I just kind of believed that and worked off that.

A good joke can work in New York and Kentucky.

When I'm on the road, I eat like I'm on the third day of a hiking trip all the time. I'm eating beef jerky and trail mix constantly.

The jig is up: I'm not a nice lady.

We're never gonna have a nice lady run for president.

A lot of people want Trump to be impeached. I do not. Because just when you think Trump is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn't gay.

I'm very quiet off stage. I think I'm a pretty boring person. I'm not super talkative; I spend a lot of my time running and zoning out. I spend so much time trying to write jokes and 'be on,' so when I'm finally off stage, I just want to sit.

I'm a standard overachiever.

Some comedy has turned into, 'Donald Trump's bad, isn't he?' That's a true statement. But where is your joke?

There's a lot of nuances to stand-up that you definitely see when you watch someone like Chris Rock in that his body position is also part of why the joke works.

That's why we should respect people: not for how pretty they are, for how useful they are. What would you rather have, a pretty friend or a friend that can help you move? Always a friend that can help you move!

The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.

I always loved comedy, but in my mind, it wasn't a viable career option. I always thought, 'You go to college. You get a job, and then you pay off college.'

I don't want to alienate anybody. If you're making a joke about men and men are laughing at it, it's a good joke.

Someone should tell scientists they don't need to keep finding reasons for us to drink a glass of wine at night.