Quotes from Jay Mohr

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

I'd go back, yeah. I don't care, I got a kid, man - I'll sell tampons. I mean, there's no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid.

Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.

If you were an actor, anybody could go on Broadway and take a George Carlin hour and do it on stage as a one man show. They're all stand alone essays.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

This is NOT a pretty good business. You cannot be pretty good and be a national headliner. That becomes the allure.

It's very good to know when you're being lapped on the racetrack, 'cause you've got to put your foot down on the pedal and get going.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

If you want God to laugh, make plans.

Marc Maron's podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that's that.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.

I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.

The first time I watched [Keith] Olbermann, his opening monologue, I completely changed the way I approached my radio show.

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

True Yankees are born, not made.

I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once.

I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.

What I like about stand-up is, it's truthful. I'm not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I'm up there because I really love it, and it makes people happier.

I'm oddly not competitive. What I love about show business is there is a home for everyone.

I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry.