Quotes from Dorothy Parker

If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life.

It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.

I'm never going to accomplish anything; that's perfectly clear to me. I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.

Time doth flit; oh shit.

Drink and dance and laugh and lie, Love, the reeling midnight through, For tomorrow we shall die! (But, alas, we never do.)

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I was always sweet, at first. Oh, it's so easy to be sweet to people before you love them.

I had been fed, in my youth, a lot of old wives' tales about the way men would instantly forsake a beautiful woman to flock around a brilliant one. It is but fair to say that, after getting out in the world, I had never seen this happen. [From a column dated November 17, 1928]

So, you're the man who can't spell 'fuck.' Dorothy Parker to Norman Mailer after publishers had convinced Mailer to replace the word with a euphemism, 'fug,' in his 1948 book, The Naked and the Dead.

Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.

Men They hail you as their morning star Because you are the way you are. If you return the sentiment, They'll try to make you different; And once they have you, safe and sound, They want to change you all around. Your moods and ways they put a curse on; They'd make of you another person. They cannot let you go your gait; They influence and educate. They'd alter all that they admired. They make me sick, they make me tired.

But I don't give up; I forget why not.

Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it and it darts away.

Women and elephants never forget.

I'd like to have money. And I'd like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that's too adorable, I'd rather have money.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

You think You're frightening me with Your hell, don't You? You think Your hell is worse than mine.

A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika.

The sun's gone dim, and the moon's gone black. For I loved him, and he didn't love back.

Q: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? A: You can't hear an enzyme.