Quotes from Les Dawson

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

Slumps don't bother me.

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. You see the trouble is he's very old fashioned. When he gives you an injection you have to bite on a bullet.