Quotes from Jack Benny

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.

Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Modesty is my best quality.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I don't deserve this, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either.

I really don't deserve this, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Age is mind over matter. If you don't mind it doesn't matter.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with Prudential. All I can say is: When I go they go!

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.