Quotes from Ray Romano

The successful golfers - they're like astronauts or pilots. They have that demeanor that they can focus and stay within that one moment and nothing distracts them. That's not me.

Before my mother would give you that dime allowance, she'd want you to do a little chore around the house. Like build a porch.

I went up to a girl in a bar once and asked her where she was from. I guess she wasn't interested, because she said, "Mars." So I asked, "You need a ride home?"

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.

If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.

Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.

I lived at home till I was 29.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Nothing like a little chest pain to restore your faith.

Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.

In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.

It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from.

You have to remember: the wife been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite.