Quotes from Woody Allen

In those days, Chicago had a joint called the Black Angus that had ribs the taste of which gave life meaning you couldn't get from religion, psychoanalysis, or great art.

Metí la pata. Perdóneme. El hecho de que usted no se percatara de que faltaba una carta indica igualmente cierto despiste por su parte, que yo, por la mía,atribuyo a su impaciencia, pero Dios sabe que todos cometemos errores. Así es la vida. Y el ajedrez.

Es fascinante comprobar hasta qué punto puede desintegrarse la razón cuando se enfrenta a una siniestra verdad ocasional y huye en desordenada retirada para mejor materializar un espejismo y construir defensas precarias contra el asalto de una realidad demasiado terrible!

The children become pawns and are deprived of a loving parent, taught to fear and hate their father.

And why is it when attacked I rarely spoke out or seemed overly upset? Well, given the malignant chaos of a purposeless universe, what's one little false allegation in the scheme of things? Second, being a misanthropist has its saving grace—people can never disappoint you.

Eureka! I remember now, I accidentally came upon my parents having sex, and the trauma that I've long repressed has caused my inordinate fear of being nailed shut in a cello case.

So unless you have a strong spiritual feeling, spiritual faith, it's tough to get through life.

I signed the agreement as Vigorish stared lupinely at what undoubtedly appeared to his eyes as an order of lambchops in Ralph Lauren tweeds.

Para acabar con las películas de terror El conde Drácula Así pasa el tempo hasta que el alcalde, que ya no puede soportar la situación, abre de golpe la puerta del armario y grita: -¡Vamos, Drácula! Siempre pensé que usted era una persona sensata. ¡Déjese de locuras!

Mia was proud to advertise herself as a mom willing to adopt a child with cerebral palsy, but the dedication and work involved fell to the other kids.

Mom had five sisters, one more homelier than the next, with Mom arguably the homeliest of the swarm.

Well, as someone who's never had any interest in a legacy, what can I say? I'm eighty-four; my life is almost half over. At my age, I'm playing with house money.

I think that at best the universe is indifferent.

Thaddeus was the one she locked in the outdoor shed overnight. Is it surprising he committed suicide with a gun ten minutes from his mother's house?

Falsely accused, hideous press, enormous legal expense. I spent millions trying to see my daughter, Dylan, to get a less biased judge, couldn't swing it.

Indifference to me equals evil.

We now have two homes," I bleated to my wife, fishing out the cyanide capsule my accountant had given me in the event things had taken precisely this turn.

Soon-Yi was the one adopted child who stood up to Mia and incurred her wrath.

There are millions of comedians around or certainly there were when I started. They play nightclubs, or on TV, or at private functions, and they all need material: jokes, bits, routines, something to say. Most of them were not very good as evidenced by the fact that they needed other people to put words in their mouth, funny words. If left on their own, they couldn't coax a chuckle from a manic fat man on laughing gas.

relations had since curdled into Roquefort cheese

Rita Moleskin—what are you doing here?" I said, discreetly pocketing the melting remains of my Snickers in a move Cardini would have envied.

Soon-Yi had me down for an unperceptive Ignatz who served Mia as a high-profile significant other and kept her career moving.

Lately I've been tempted to leave my profession and do something else and that desire scares me. And what would you do? Anything. I don't know, write, read, maybe just study, take lessons, find out what I really want, who I really am. Maybe I'm a dilettante, is it that bad?

He wrote the definitive book on How to Achieve Orgasm in a Rent-Controlled Apartment.