Quotes from Woody Allen

During the court procedure, I was so naïve. I assumed if you perjured yourself you went to jail, but it didn't seem to matter when people were exposed in court as liars.

Then a few more days and boom, green is everywhere and spring has come to Manhattan and in Central Park you see blossoms and petals unfolding and the air smells of nostalgia and you want to kill yourself. Why? Because it's too beautiful to handle; the pineal gland secretes Unspeakable Melancholy Juice, and you don't know where to put all those feelings that are stampeding inside and God forbid at that point your love life is not going too well. Get the revolver.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

It was not until I entered psychoanalysis as a last resort to my unending misery that the nausea was diagnosed as psychological, and in no time after entering analysis, I became completely cured of the attacks. If couch psychoanalysis did nothing for me but that (and it didn't), it would have been worth it.

I have always hated reality, but it's the only place you can get good chicken wings.

The issue was that my lawyers had accused Dershowitz of saying he could make the whole case go away for seven million dollars. Four lawyers in a room testified he made that offer. He denied it furiously, his mother looking on proudly in the courtroom as her son performed.

On that movie, I fired Haskell Wexler. I always thought he was a genius cameraman but I found him infantile, annoying like a pestering child, and I realized early if we had to have a Talmudic disagreement before and after every shot, I'd run months over schedule. I was sorry to do it, as I had looked forward to working with such a gifted man, but the chemistry was bad.

I am happy in my marriage. I am happy with my family but you can never be happy on this planet. We are dumped into a bad situation. Human existence is precarious, terrifying and pointless." Woody Allen, May 24, 2020.

Well, it's hard to compromise for anybody in life. It's a very unpleasant pill to swallow, the pill of compromise.

I was ready to go to court and declare with total honesty that I never abused anyone in my life, and I was ready to defend that statement publicly.

Goatley forms an acting group which performs avant-garde plays written in palindromes, but the group slowly peters out as the members start dying off of starvation.

I'm very proud of my pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Wurm has learned to live with his wife's peccadillos, but only because he does not know what peccadillos are as she has convinced him they're Mexican food.

It was the real world I was coming in contact with, and though it's real for everyone, it's more real for some than others.

Vesmír je pouhou prchavou pÃ…â"¢edstavou v Boží mysli - pÄ›knÄ› nepÃ…â"¢íjemné pomyÅ¡lení, zvláÅ¡tÄ› když ?lovÄ›k právÄ› složil zálohu na byt. V??ná nicota nevadí, pokud jste na to oble?eni. Kdyby jen Dionýsos z?stal naživu! Kam by se chodil najíst? Nejen, že neexistuje žádný B?h, ale zkuste sehnat o víkendu instalatéra.

Don't look back, Satchel Paige said, something may be gaining on you.

coprolalia.

He keels over clutching his abdomen and is rushed to the hospital, where he is placed in the Intensive Apathy ward.

All the shrinks walked on eggshells with Mia, enabling her to prevent me from having any contact with my kids.

Taip, pagalvojo Klok?, turb?t šiame pasaulyje yra tik dviej? r?ši? žmon?s: arba geri, arba blogi. Gerieji ramiau miega, ta?iau pašlem?kai kur kas džiaugsmingiau nubunda.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

I had a myocardial infarction that registered at the oceanography lab in Tokyo.

His face was knotted with rage. He felt like fainting but couldn't remember the proper way to fall.

I was obsessed with gangsters, baseball players, jazz musicians, and Bob Hope movies, but young women have been a tiny fraction of the women I dated over the decades. I have used the May-December ploy as a comic and romantic theme a few times, just as I have used psychoanalysis or murder or Jewish jokes, but only as good material for plots and laughs.