Quotes from Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

The best thing to do is to behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen and under try not to go bald.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have instead of what you don't have.

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

I am an only child. I have one sister.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better . . . while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

I took the speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.