Quotes from Daniel Tosh

There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I can say that. I have a television show.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross.