Quotes from Daniel Tosh

I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling.

I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they've been good to me.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: "First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package."