Quotes from Merrill Markoe

Men, as a general rule, shy away from therapy because there is no obvious way to keep score.

my mother ... took the fact that my taste differed from hers as a personal insult.

It's just like magic. When you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are gone!.

It's surely no accident that there are horoscopes in Vogue, Glamour, Mademoiselle, Woman, New Woman, Elle and Cosmo ... but not Sports Illustrated, GQ, Esquire, Field & Stream or Guns & Ammo.

Every moment of your life that is not a complete nightmare is happiness.

The phrase "singular incredible life" seems to me that it applies more appropriately to Jane Goodall or David Attenborough, people I regard with awe and who stand for great humanism and knowledge.

Reality television is a scripted hyper-life that employs writers, but won't allow them to call themselves writers or join the union.

I am deeply grateful for the life I do have. In many ways, I am very fortunate.

Reality TV has managed to commodify everything we used to think of as the elements of normal life.

You just never know when it might be cookie time. And, that is what the dogs have taught me.

I sometimes look into the face of my dog Stan and see a wistful sadness and existential angst, when all he is actually doing is slowly scanning the ceiling for flies.

I always hated those classic kid movies like Old Yeller or The Yearling where the beloved pet dies. What would be so wrong with having those damn kids learn their lessons about mortality from watching Grandpa kick? Then at least the dog would be around to comfort them.

In a way, watching an attractive, potentially dangerous guy play guitar is a little like watching a tiger agree to do tricks for his trainer. You know that they could just turn and kill you. But you're so flattered and pleased that instead they agreed to stand on a decorative box and wave and count for the crowd that for a while you forget how big the scary part of them really is.

To find the right person, you must first BE the right person.

I gotta ask you...why do you always circle before you lie down? I said. As opposed to what? Johnny Depp asked, astonished by the question. You mean not circle? How would I tamp down the leaves and twigs and get comfortable? What leaves and twigs? I said. This bed is twig-free. Hmm. I see your point, said Johnny Depp, pausing for a second before he resumed circling. But did it occur to you maybe that's because I circle first?

Though it seems like time itself moves more slowly when you're in the presence of people who actually see and hear you. There's a certain weight to a moment that never comes when you feel invisible.

By the time the last of these relationships ended I was such a quaking mass of colliding, exploding neurotransmitter malfunctions that the only coherent sentence I could form in my native tongue went: Never again.

I'm clear with all my bitches...I hump her till she bites me. Then it's adios bitches, time for BALL.

Come on! You must have at least suspected there was someone else, he said. Couldn't you smell her on his pants?

Why do you always come in to kiss me while I'm on the toilet? I asked. Makes us feel close to you, Chuck said, surprised I would ask. Peeing is one of the special things we share.

Well, there's two kinds of peeing...There's regular peeing, because you have to pee. And then there's auxiliary competitive peeing. For acquiring empire. I'm all about the real estate.

And Mom? You're a good girl. Thank you. That's very sweet of you, Chuck Though what I was really thinking was: This is too fucking weird.

That's just stupid, said Chuck. Have a look around at the rest of the animal kingdom lately? I'll have sex with anyone who doesn't try to kill me. And even then, as long as their butt smells good, I'm in, said Johnny Depp.

You just never know when it might be cookie time. And, that is what the dogs have taught me.