Quotes from Jackie Mason

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Right now I have enough money to last me the rest of my life - unless I buy something.

Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.

Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.

Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.

While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.

Predictions are preposterous.

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.

The truth is I'm not at all surprised of the longevity of my career. In fact, I would be surprised if the opposite were true and if my career did not have this longevity because I can't believe people would purposely deprive themselves of such hilarious, meaningful entertainment at these prices.

I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future.

I am very proud of my career and that I've the health, thank God, to continue doing this for so long.

Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares.

I knew nothing about professional comedians when I became a comedian. I was a rabbi. So I had no professional comedians to learn from.

I used to hear on the radio people like Jack Benny or Bob Hope, but I never had any interest in their type of humor. I thought that I could do something more substantially meaningful with significant, thoughtful, analytical reflections on real life situations.

I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.

If I'm a busboy in Philadelphia, then I have to be careful about what I say. But if I'm a public tycoon like Jerry Seinfeld, and I got a billion dollars in my pocket, he's got to be nuts to wonder or worry about what people are going to think.

I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.

Every comedian feels out an audience. As you're telling jokes, if they're not laughing at this, you change the subject.

If you wanted to hear politics, you'd go to Henry Kissinger; you wouldn't go to hear Jackie Mason. The reason I speak about politics is because I know I can get a laugh out of it.

It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want.