Quotes from Esther Perel

Infidelity happens in good marriages, in bad marriages, and even when adultery is punishable by death. It happens in open relationships where extramarital sex is carefully negotiated beforehand. And the freedom to leave or divorce has not made cheating obsolete.

Betrayal in the digital age is death by a thousand cuts.

Romantics value intensity over stability; realists value security over passion. But both are often disappointed, for few people can live at either extreme.

First, the institutionalization of relationships—a passage from freedom and independence to commitment and responsibility. Second, the overfamiliarity that develops when intimacy and closeness replace individuality and mystery. And lastly, the desexualizing nature of certain roles—mother, wife, and house manager all promote the de-eroticization of the self.

In our world of instant communication, we supplement our relationships with an assortment of technological devices in the hope that all these gizmos will strengthen our connections. This social frenzy masks a profound hunger for human contact.

Before, I trusted too much and was naive. Now I realize that even the best people can't always get it right and end up acting out. We are all human and anyone is capable of doing what Anais did, even me.

forgiving doesn't mean giving the other a free pass. It's a gift one gives oneself.

Call me an idealist, but I believe that love and desire are not mutually exclusive; they just don't always take place a the same time. In fact, security and passion are two separate fundamental human needs that spring from different motives and tend to pull us in different directions.

Betrayed by our beloved, we suffer the loss of a coherent narrative—the "internal structure that helps us predict and regulate future actions and feelings [creating] a stable sense of self," as psychiatrist Anna Fels defines it.

Do you love the blouseman more than all of us?" "No," her mother replies. "But sometimes it's easier to be different with a different person.

In fact, dependence is an essential ingredient of connection. But it's a producer of terrific anxiety, because it implies that the one we love wields power over us. This is the power to love us, but also to abandon us.

We are willing to concede that the future is unpredictable, but we expect the past to be dependable. Betrayed by our beloved, we suffer the loss of a coherent narrative—the "internal structure that helps us predict and regulate future actions and feelings [creating] a stable sense of self," as psychiatrist Anna Fels defines it.

For those affairs that do stay alive past the altar, there is the pressure to "make it seem worth the cost

Over the years, the thinking in the field has evolved, so that we now look at fantasy as a natural component of healthy adult sexuality.

Love and desire do not have to be mutually exclusive. Many couples find a way to integrate their contradictions without resorting to compartmentalization. But it starts with the understanding that we can never eliminate the dilemma. Reconciling the erotic and the domestic is not a problem to solve; it is a paradox to manage.

Women cheat for love, the common assumption goes, but men? They cheat for sex. And this assumption is all the more strongly reinforced when the sex in question is anonymous, transactional, or commercial.

When you ask people if they are monogamous, I suggest you ask them first what their definition of monogamy is.

monogamy should be an "opt-in." If people were given more opportunity to choose, he offers, maybe some of them wouldn't have opted in and then they wouldn't be in trouble for adultery. Rather than penalize those who fail monogamy's standardized test, we should recognize that the test is disproportionately difficult.

And what is true for human beings is true for every living thing: all organisms require alternating periods of growth and equilibrium. Any person or system exposed to ceaseless novelty and change risks falling into chaos; but one that is too rigid or static ceases to grow and eventually dies. This never-ending dance between change and stability is like the anchor and the waves.

It is the very absence of psychological complexity that fuels his arousal.

When do you feel most drawn to your partner?" One of the most common answers I hear is "When others are attracted to him or to her." The triangular gaze is highly erotic, which is why stories like Kyle and Lucy's are much less unusual than you may expect.

From his perspective, things are clear. "I want to rebuild with you, not rehash the same things over and over." I have explained to him that repetition helps restore coherence and is intrinsic to healing;

I point out to Ben that, contrary to popular belief, taking action is not always the best course.

It's not "just sex" that they share with many partners—it's also love, not to mention domestic life. Polyamorists tend to characterize their lifestyle as a serious endeavor, involving mindfulness, maturity, and a lot of talking—hence the common joke in poly circles, "Swingers have sex. Polys have conversations.