Quotes from Milton Jones

My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.

If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!

A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!

I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".