Quotes from Paula Poundstone

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it.

The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.

How do you come back? It's one step at a time. I'm optimistic because I don't know what else to be.

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.

I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up - 'cause they're looking for ideas.

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

I'm drinking a Diet Coke, because frankly I ate a whole box of Pop Tarts yesterday and this will take it away.

We've got fourteen women in the Senate. Fourteen women in the Senate? We are 52 percent of the population. Apparently women do suck at math.

I have three cats, and they have fleas. But they never go out, so if they have fleas, they got them from me. I feel like kind of an ass for making them wear the collars.