Quotes from Sam Ewing

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3, 000, 000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day

There's no thief like a bad movie.

The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.

President Herbert Hoover returned his salary to the government. His idea caught on, and now we're all doing it.

Half of all home accidents happen in the kitchen, and the family has to eat them.

Life begins as a quest of the child for the man, and ends as a journey by the man to rediscover the child.

Success is when your name is in everything but the telephone directory.

Computers are like bikinis. They save people a lot of guesswork.

Vacation: Two weeks on the sunny sands - and the rest of the year on the financial rocks.

Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.

The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists.

In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'.

There's no thief like a bad movie.

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

When you finally go back to your old home, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood.

When you finally go back to your old hometown, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood.

Nobody ever asks a father how he manages to combine marriage and a career.

Vacation: Two weeks on the sunny sands — and the rest of the year on the financial rocks.

The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.

We are all born into the world with nothing. Everything we acquire after that is profit.

A neighbor will stand at your door talking for 20 minutes because she doesn't have time to come in.

Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.