Quotes from Greg Proops

We don't know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.

I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don't, you know, I can't worry about whether people get it or not, per se.

Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.

I'm old and my knowledge is strictly horizontal.

I like the night life, I like to boogy.

My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It's our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn't care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.

I love the nightlife. I like to boogie.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.

I'm all for dropping lawyers into any war time situation.

Animals have two functions in today's society, to be delicious and to fit well.

My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It's our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn't care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.

People are tired of this mainstream shit; television and radio is ghastly and the public can smell the corporate meeting. When you watch a show with Simon Cowell, you know no human touch has been near it, that they've carefully engineered the outcome and picked those they're going to humiliate. We live in an age of information glut, but so many people don't question what they're spoon-fed or bother to search for themselves.

Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

Women give birth, men take life. Therefore, men are jealous of this power. War is menstruation envy.

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.

I have to hear this all the time in England: "Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm." Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.

My feeling is, the Pilgrims were asked to leave England. England was never funner than when the Pilgrims split, right? The people of England got a little tired of these dour, right-winged conservative psycho-Christians wearing all black, bumming people out, confusing everyone by wearing buckles on... their heads. "Is that tight enough for you, Cotton?" "Yea, verily.

How come we got the grumpy boat of bandy-legged Puritans? How come we didn't get the Italian party boat with the cappuccino makers and the gelato machine? That was the sexy boat, man.

It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.

Bush looked straight into the camera and said 'We must preserve the sanctity of marriage!' You know, straight people are doing such a fucking great job.