Quotes from Greg Proops

Wine me, dine me, Deep Space Nine me.

You leave white people alone in constant isolation for 2,000 years, and you know what their musical contribution will be? Riverdance!

Obviously the name of the show is a joke, a friend of mine gave it to me. But some people are very literal. Sometimes you see things like "He's not the smartest man in the world! All he does is drink." Well, they're not listening very closely.

I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.

Understand telling a Woman to "smile" is an imposition and a demand you have no right to make.

Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.

Oh, I say I have an ocelot and it's a joke, but I've had so many news programs in this country say, 'So what's it like, having an ocelot?" And I'll say, "It's marvelous just to see them run free. When feeding time comes and they're mewling, it just warms your heart.' People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It's not just me. Look around.

If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.

Mm-mm, no, thank you, no, I don't want an enchilaaadaaa. Nor do I want a burr-eye-to. Or a tay-co. Or any other bizarre, unneccessary vowel substitutions.

I only read books if Voltaire's cock has been dipped in red ink and rolled over the cover.

Punctuation is meant only to clarify. And fruit off with the little smiley faces.

I don't come on to seduce the audience. I don't care if everyone laughs. I can't think about that anymore. If there's anything that a lot of experience on stage and a lot of stage time gives you is the confidence to know that it's ok if they're not laughing every second you're up there. Although that's what drives me and I still go too fast a lot of the time.

The ancients advised love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the gods. Tough lesson, that one. I

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

No one is a natural - you have to work at being a natural.

I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.

If you have a funny costume, you can't really wear it when you get older.